Periodically throughout the day, almost everyday, though some days are better than others, I feel this sudden sense of bewilderment creep over me. The question "what am I doing here?" rises to my lips, though I don't mouth it aloud. When I first arrived 3 weeks ago, it was as if I could still see Japan's shoreline as I slowly drifted away. I felt sure of myself. I didn't mind things then as I felt sure in some sense that I had made the correct decision. Now, 3 weeks have gone by, and the shoreline has started to disappear entirely and I'm left out at sea with only this vague sense of movement pushing me further away from where I was into a vast unknown, with nothing in sight to guide me to the next place that I belong. Then the waves of pressure overtake me. My internal critic comes alive shouting "you should know what you are doing by now", "you should have a career", "you should be more established," "you're floundering" "you're failing," etc. I feel overwhelmed when this happens and start to worry that I've made all the wrong decisions, that I went in the wrong direction, that I spent too much time away from my own culture, that I didn't work hard enough or meet the right people especially in my 20s when I was trying hard to establish myself as an artist/performer/writer, that my graduate education has been wasted, that the doors just never opened, that I am in essence alone out on this ship out in the middle of the ocean without a compass or a map.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Finding a way...Finding my way
I'm just going to re-post something I wrote suddenly on my Facebook wall because I feel that it needs more context. I'm not certain if what I am feeling is entirely reverse culture shock or if it is a combination of being in transition, going through reverse culture shock, being unemployed, feeling very uncertain again about my life and the decisions I've made so far, fearing that I'm going to end up falling back into that familiar hometown rut, feeling as if everyone else around has their shit together and is much further along in their lives than I am, etc. etc. among other fears. Sorry this post isn't more cheerful. Yesterday was a wonderful day with a million positive ideas coming to me. Today seems to be less productive. Everyday throws something different at me and I deal with it either positively or negatively, though nothing exciting really is happening in my life currently (and maybe that's the real problem). It seems though that I usually feel this way whenever I have to apply to jobs and I look around at the jobs available in my hometown and how limiting they seem to be. To be honest, I'm considering going back to graduate school again. Not because it's a way to avoid working (I really do enjoy having a job and an income), but because I keep feeling that it may be the only way forward career wise. Maybe I'm not thinking creatively enough though. Maybe I'm just afraid of change and afraid of rejection and full of all the fears that hold everyone back. I feel that I need to start working harder at something so that I can be devoted to that while I'm trying to figure out the rest of my life.