At the edge of the horizon

At the edge of the horizon
At the edge of Japan

Saturday, October 13, 2012

The Big Clean

In Japan, a big cleaning happens every New Year.  It's called おそうじ。 It's the equivalent of spring cleaning.  I decided to do a big clean for my life and I'm not waiting until 2013 to do this.

Sometimes I feel like I'm pulled in every direction but the direction I really want to be heading towards.
I know what I miss the most after having lived in Japan for 2 years is a sense of depth in my work,  my thoughts and my life.  In order to regain that focus though, I have had to cut the fat out of my life this year.  By fat, I mean all of the drama, garbage and negativity that I've been dealing with at work.

Last night I went out with a friend and we talked about all kinds of things, including dance, performance art, studying Japanese, future plans, oh and dealing with toxic people in your life who want to take everything away from you (your energy, your happiness, etc).  The last topic seems to be out of place, but it really is not when you're trying to make progress towards a life that you're creating for yourself.

Unfortunately, since moving to mainland Okinawa from Ishigaki, I've found myself dealing with one of these individuals.  Some people call them psychic vampires, but I think they're just damaged people.  This year I've managed to put not just emotional but physical distance between myself and this individual as I finally moved out of the office we shared together.  It was really difficult to deal with this person last year, but I managed to do it even through all of the personal insults, the backstabbing, the manipulation, the efforts to control me completely and my own reaction to this in which I'd find myself going home every day feeling stressed out and depressed.

It's hard to deal with people who carry deep  wounds inside of them which they've calcified and built their lives upon.  With some distance, I can see how the pain within this person enables her anger, insecurity and lack of self-confidence.  But that still does not give this individual any right to take her issues out on me or anyone else.  I recognize my culpability in this situation as well.  Somewhere there is a chink in my armor that allows certain negative individuals the ability to engage with me.  I don't like to be controlled, yet I will go out of my way to put others' needs before my own.  Contradictions are natural within human behavior, I suppose.

Recently, she confronted me about tension between us.  Instead of taking the bait, I just told her that I didn't feel anything.  It was my way of closing the door and sealing the wall between us.  Now I just need to fortify it.

I've decided to no longer focus on anything but the life I want to create for myself.  A life filled with limitlessness, endless opportunities/experiences and excitement, and to move towards that life in a non-stop mode with nothing and no one allowed to get in the way.  

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